Rae of Sunshine

Saturday Happy List #4

Well, I certainly intended to blog this week and I really hate to come here again and say 'oh it was an awful week', but- well, it was. The truth hurts, and so does my leg!  I did get out of the house a few times this week, which was awesome, but mostly, it was me on the couch or in the bed with lots of whining and moaning and all that.  I may have accidentally increased my nail polish collection by double digits this weekend, but I swear that I got really good deals on all of it. I found some Cynthia Rowley polish at Winners and bought a bunch, Three gorgeous solid colours (two cremes and a shimmer) and two awesome glitters.  I picked up two Tokidoki polishes at Sephora today, on clearance for $4.00 each!  I also got one of the new Nails Inc Sprinkles polishes and three from American Apparel.  I'm an addict, what can I say?  

The Happy:

Adam, he wins again.  He was absolutely amazing this week, again, up to and including getting and pushing me around in a wheelchair at a mall today.  Where he is finding his infinite patience is beyond me, as Adam is a bit of an impatient fellow, but I am grateful as hell for it.  The guy works countless hours at a mentally taxing job, then comes home and does his second mentally taxing job: the Rae Show!  I'm giving him a week off soon, by going to stay with my mum in the states for a week, and I hope he enjoys not having to fuss over me every freaking minutes. He deserves some time off!

The adorable birds we were playing with at Petsmart today.  I can't recall what they were, but they were both green and colourful and hilarious! They had so much personality, one was dancing, one was sliding up and down the bars of his cage to get our attention.  I LOVE birdies, bird figurines, etc, but I've never been so keen on real live birds as pets- my dad had a bird that I did love for many years, and my brother in law has a mean bird that bit the crap out of my finger- but if i had a spare, on twelve hundred dollars, I might have taken those birds home. They really brightened my day, they were hilarious.  Animals are awesome, and it is cool that animals that aren't my personal pets can make my day. Now if only Adam had let me adopt one of the adorable kittens....

It is my birthday week! I'll be 33 on the 17th, which is just crazy to me.  I dreaded turning 32. I don't know why, it felt really old.  33 feels good. I'm not afraid. I'm heading into the next phase of my life now, learning to live as a happy and grateful person despite my setbacks.  I have a plan to keep myself busy with crafting (and it would be sweet if I figured out a way to turn that into some income), I'm working every day on being grateful for what I do have and the progress I have made.  I have high hopes for my 33rd year, I really do.

This week we went out for a delish sushi dinner with friends Lauren and Joe and it was lovely! It was my first official night "out" in ages (since the dinner dates with Megs were at her house, I was able to be a little more loosey goosey, sushi restaurants require mature adult behavior!).  Despite my celiac, I've learned I can tolerate a TINY bit of things that should be off limits at the Sushi restaurant, and I bring my own gluten free soy sauce with me to make the meal as me friendly as possible.  Sushi is one of my most favourite treats for dinner- I could live off of avocado maki, seriously, and it was great to see some friends that I haven't seen in ages. Hurray for "normal" nights out!

Honourable mentions this week: hank and njorah cats, my meds, fresca (or as I call it, frusca), puppy chow (as in the delish cereal mixture with chocolate, peanut butter and powdered sugar), nail polish, my ipad, chipotle burrito bowl, swedish fish.

What made you happy this week?  

Saturday Happy List #3

Ah, yet another challenging week, though it is ending on an up note. As of today, I used ONLY my cane instead of the forearm crutches and I survived!!!!  I even left the house!! If that isn't a happy, I don't exactly know what is.  It was not the best week overall, but it is over now and things are looking up, I think, I hope.  I've got some pretty crappy things weighing me down, including my weight (see what I did there?), but as always trying to think positive and pretend all those times I started crying didn't really happen.  Twice in the last week I gave up and went to bed at 8pm. I'm just so exhausted and the buildup of all the pain meds gets to me after a while.  I could easily get in bed right now and sleep 10 hours but I'm trying to stay up just a bit later so I feel like less of a wimp.  Adam and I are watching an episode of (what else?) Masterchef Australia and I'm having some delicious rice noodle soup (my obsession lately).  Njorah is having a bit of a nap on the coffee table and who knows what the Hankster is up to.  All in all, a quiet Saturday night in our happy home.  

This week, I came to the hiatus point on the insanity scarf, finishing up that first skein of yarn.  The second has arrived at my mum's and will be here in a couple of weeks. I'm surprisingly sad about having to halt knitting on the scarf, it has been a wonderful and meditative companion over the last few weeks, which was unexpected as I assumed I would get bored and put it down after the first few inches.  It can surprise you, the things that work! Right now, I'm working on a shawl for a friend of mine that should have been finished and sent, oh, about two years ago. No big deal, timeliness was never my strong suit with handknit gifts. It is the thought that counts, right?

On to the happy!

1. One day of cane use! This is huge, because the more I can get away with just the cane, the more likely it is that the flare is FINALLY coming to an end.  This doesn't mean the pain is all gone, but that it has returned (or is returning?) to a status quo that I can manage with meds and ice and rest.  I could be speaking to soon, but positive thinking never hurt anyone, right? 

2. I have just been loving the heck out of week one of the Olympics.  I've watched countless hours of coverage- so much swimming, gymnastics, diving! I get so emotional, I cry at each triumph, each human interest story.  I can't even express, without sounding like a blithering idiot, how and why I love the Olympics so much.  I loved watching Gabby Douglas gymnastic her way to a gold medal, loved seeing Canada's women's gymnastics team place FIFTH!!!! overall in the team competition. We've never made the finals and we came in fifth!! It was unbelievable and moments like that make me proud to be an (almost) Canadian!  So the Olympics? Definitely happy, once again. The track and all that is starting now, so I've got another week of awesome ahead of me!

3. This week I saw my good friend Megan, her lovely husband and their amazing daughter, Clara, twice!!  We joined this lovely family to celebrate Clara's second birthday on Wednesday night and then again tonight for a delicious dinner.  Megs is one of my dearest and best friends and Clara is my most favourite small person ever.  We had such a lovely time, both nights and I'm full up on adorable kids and good friends!

4. My passport arrived! After the whole accidentally forgetting to get it renewed debacle, I've been waiting with baited breath for my new passport to arrive and finally it is here!  Of course the first thing I declared is that we should go to Target tomorrow (we'll be right on the US border visiting some of Adam's family tomorrow, so, really, I mean we're PRACTICALLY going to already BE at Target....).  It is a huge weight off of my shoulders though, to have it back.  You never realize how much you might need to pop over to your neighbor country until you can't do it anymore!

5. The seedlings of an idea.  I've been searching for something to do with myself, now that my life has changed course so drastically.  Something to fill my day with, that lets me express myself creatively and all of that.  I woke up one day last week with an idea that I'm slowly working to bring to fruition.  I bought the bare basics of supplies and Adam is going to help me set up an area for working on it, but keep an eye on this space because artsy things may be coming! I'm excited and hope it works out, but just in case it doesn't, I'm being purposefully coy!

So that's my happy list for today.  Honourable mentions go to: noodle soup, Adam, the cats, Melanie and Jessie and the rest of my friends, good sleep, gurugossip and taco night.  

I hope your weekends are going well!! What were you happy about this week?

 

 

Saturday Happy List #2

This week was really challenging. I'm in week, what, four of this flare up and though the pain ebbs and flows as far as making me want to cry and die and all that, I can safely say I am OVER IT.  I'm exhausted, I'm cranky, I'm so tired of hurting and the medicine and depending on Adam for absolutely everything.  Finding the joy this week was not easy but I did my best.  I just failed a lot!  Last night I had a full on snotty tear filled hysterical breakdown.  About what? Of all things, Adam wasn't feeling well and wanted to go to bed at 8:30. I told him to go to bed, but he wouldn't because what if I needed him. I was so frustrated! I want him to take care of himself too! And I couldn't make him understand that I love him just as much as he loves me and when he's hurting, my instinct is to take care of him. So we were two tired, sick idiots yelling at each other about how we want to take care of the other one.  Ridiculous.  I know at the core though, my tears were mostly from my own frustration with the situation in general. Of feeling helpless and dependant, of the pain, of the pressure it puts on Adam.  Sometimes the little black rain cloud of doom just hangs right on over my head.  I'm fighting it with all I've got but some days, you know?

So on that note! It is time to focus on the good stuff! Because there really is so much of it, even when I struggle to see it.

1. Adam had to go in to the office twice this week (he's been working from home a lot during my flare) and we were both concerned about leaving me on my own while I'm mostly non weight-bearing on crutches and all that.  Both days, the sweet awesome guy, set me up with basically a picnic.  He packed a little cooler with a pepper and feta salad, a fork, three frescas, two ice packs, and some sliced turkey and cheese.  He made sure my pillows were stacked properly, placed the remote controls in my reach- anything he could think of, he prepared before he left for work so that when I came downstairs I was pretty much set for hours.  He even left a note both days encouraging me and telling me he loves me.  I can't put into words, though I'm trying, what it means to me that he supports me, loves me, takes care of me and just- I'm one heck of a lucky lady to be married to this guy. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank the universe (and Adam) daily.

2. The Olympics!!!!  I am an Olympics FREAK. I'm a massive fan. I love the pomp and circumstance, I love the sport, I love the athletes. I LOVE THE OLYMPICS.  If you had seen me last night during the opening ceremonies, you would have thought I was such a loser. I was captivated.  Right now I'm watching Serena Williams play tennis.  Something about the world coming together, these people who have worked so hard at their passions- I love it. I'll be basically glued to my tv (we hooked up our cable just for the games!) for the next 16 days.  Olympics!! 

3. When we bought our new car a couple of months ago, we were left with a set of snow tires from our old one- decent snow tires in a rare size, at that.  Adam took them to a used tire shop to sell and the guy told him to sell them privately- he'd get more. So he took photos, listed them on Kijiji and we sold them for $450.00!!!!!  Isn't that amazing? Something just sitting there taking up space in the garage and now we have money to put towards debt! So that's pretty exciting for us, for sure.

4. My Ebay rings!!  A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted a ring shaped like a bow- I'd seen them all over on fashion blogs and whatnot and I needed one! But of course, I'm trying to not spend any money right now (I went a little overboard with retail therapy earlier this summer and I'm also saving up for Adam's birthday present). To Ebay I went!  I found an adorable rhinestone studded bow ring for about $12 including shipping from China and I was so excited about that one, that I also bought a rose gold bulky rhinestone studded ring (a Swarovski style knockoff), again for about $12 including shipping from Singapore.  They both arrived this week and I couldn't love them more.  I know they're just cheapie rings and the stones will probably fall off and all that, but they were cheap, they are adorable and I really love them! Hurrah!

5. Another awesome thing that happened this week, I saw a respiratory specialist to follow up my weird asthma insanity that's been going on since I got sick in May and ended up in hospital.  I'm doing so much better, and we're maintaining the meds I was put on, but! I get to get off the steroids faster!! Previously I was supposed to taper only 5mg every two weeks, which had me on prednisone for at least three more months.  The new doctor wants me off by early September! So I'm tapering super fast now and knowing that I'm nearly done the steroid nightmare is making me SO HAPPY!!

And of course, honorable mentions go to my awesome friends, my awesome cats, my sometimes awesome pain meds, my awesome mom and chocolate.  

Have a wicked good weekend, loves!

Plum Success!

With the help of Adam, I finally managed to dye my hair on Saturday!!  He worked extremely hard with his bowl of dye and tinting brush to work the colour into my hair. It was probably the cutest thing ever- he does that thing where he sticks his tongue out in concentration. He kept pretending to be a campy hairdresser. It was hilarious. The dye we used, after a few bouts of bleach and two failed attempts at Manic Panic, was Beyond The Zone Color Jamz in Purple Passion. The dye was, I believe, about $9.00CDN at Sally Beauty Supply with the beauty club card thingie they have (Manic Panic is more like $15.00, so I'll take the cheaper priced stuff any day, anyway!).  More than likely, we should have used more than one bottle since my hair is so long, but I decided to save the second bottle for a few weeks from now when I'll need to do a touch up. Spare myself that trip to Sally, since I'm trying to not spend any money for a while!

Do I like it, after all is said and done? HECK YES.  My hair is freaking PURPLE! Not just purple, but purple, lilac, burgundy- it is awesome.  These photos were taking in the backyard on a slightly overcast day but the colour just shines and shines (of course it is a bit more subtle inside, but still very clearly purple).  I'm really glad I stuck it out and kept going to get my hair the way I want it, and I look forward to playing with it going forward, maybe trying different colours as it fades.  

My hair was the major excitement for the weekend, as Devil Flare 2012 continues to keep me down and out.  So many pain killers taken, so much ice used, so many naps (including one with the dye in my hair and a shower cap and cling wrap on my head).  I'm getting used to the forearm crutches, though I cannot be fully non weight bearing on them.  They definitely provide way more support than just a cane (or even two canes), and are way more comfortable than standard crutches.  I don't WANT to have to use them, but I'm grateful to have them for now.  I hope I'll be back to just my cane any day now, but man, it is not looking good.  I've been so lucky that Adam has been able to work from home for most of the last three weeks, but his boss is in town this week so I will be on my own for at least two days and I can't lie, I'm a bit intimidated.  Normally it isn't a big deal, but when you can't really carry anything and the pain is this bad, it is really daunting to think about being on my own all day and having to fend for myself.  I know I CAN do it- I was on crutches for six months in 2010-2011, but getting used to doing it is exhausting and stressful.  

I've played a ton of a silly game called 'Fruits, Inc', which is from Big Fish Games that I bought last year sometime.  I love these lame time management games- you have a set of tasks and you have to beat the clock and all that.  In this game, you plant farms of fruit, manufacture juice, jams and jelly and even control the water supply and exterminators.  It is kind of mindless and really good distraction from the pain so if I'm not knitting these days, chances are I'm making some jam in Fruits, Inc.  

The Insanity Scarf continues apace, I feel like I keep knitting and it isn't growing!  And frankly, i'm starting to worry that this ball of yarn won't provide a scarf as long as I'd like and I'll need to seek out and order another ball! I bought this yarn from someone's stash so I'm not sure how easy it will be to find a match! Oh Well, just keep knitting and we'll see what happens, right?

I'll leave you with some pictures of my awesome cats, who enjoyed a little time in our backyard yesterday! Henry is the sunny orange guy, and the chirping tabby is Njorah! I hope your week has started on a high note and continues to rock!

Saturday Happy List #1

Traditions! They have to start somewhere and I am starting one right here and now. The Saturday Happy List!  My goal is to take some time every Saturday (though I am sure I will miss one or two or make them up on a Tuesday or something) to think about and talk about the things that are making me happy, making me joyful and making me grateful.  I spend so much time thinking and talking about the bad stuff, that I literally have to force myself to take time to to think about the really good stuff.  I want it to come more naturally, thinking of the good over the bad but I know it will take time.  If this helps? Then all the better!

So This Saturday, July 21, 2012, I am happy about the following!

1. My super awesome husband. He has been an absolute champion during the last two weeks of this flare.  He has hugged, and comforted and fetched ice and baked cookies and made dinner and got me Frostys from Wendy's, suffered through horrific television, worked his very demanding job, and generally been the greatest dude EVER.  I can't even put into words how grateful I am for him and his support, so today? Adam makes me SUPER happy and I am so grateful that 11 years ago we had occasion to meet.

2. Knitting! I learned to knit when I was fairly young, and took it up as a massive hobby when I was 20 (holy crap nearly 13 years ago? Where does the time go?).  I've amassed a stash of yarn that is pretty amazing and chock full of one of skeins of gorgeous sock yarns.  A few years ago I was part of a massive community of knitters and it was this amazing thing and then life happened, some major drama happened and ever since I've had a very difficult time with my emotions surrounding knitting.  It brought up a lot of nasty feelings of sorry and regret and loneliness. So I go in phases.  I hadn't knit a stitch since Christmas Eve 2011 (when I finished a shawl that was being given, you know, the next day) and I just wasn't thinking about it.  Then I just got this URGE. I had to knit. So I pulled out some yarn that I really loved, made a friend pick a pattern for me and I whipped out a shawl in three days.  Then I knit a second shawl. Then I knit two pair of socks. All in two weeks, I knit all of that.  And I felt my brain kind of knitting itself back together, so to speak.  I still have a lot of 'feelings' about knitting and community etc, but I'm pretty sure If I hadn't started knitting again a few weeks ago, this flare really really would have killed me.  Right now I'm knitting my Insanity Scarf, which is, as you can see, nearly the length of my leg at this point.  So far from the end! But I actually love every stitch and I'm motivated to finish because I want to wear this scarf!!!

3. Project Runway Season 10!!!  I'm a massive fan of Project Runway. I've seen every episode probably six times each, I just love it.  I'm already re-watching the premiere episode just because I love it so much.  So far this season I Love Ven's clothes (but his personality is really prickly), those sculptural roses? Wow, I can't even believe how gorgeous they are!  Not a fan of Lantai- her whole 'pretty girl club' thing just turned me off and her clothes are not awesome, just not.  So yeah, Project Runway time? Hooray!!!!

4. My iPad! When the iPad was first released, I didn't get the point. Then I really wanted one, and then I REALLY wanted one.  Adam split it with me for my birthday last year, and it has been a life changing device for me. I truly believe that people with chronic pain or illness should have a tablet device. It is so convenient for when I am stuck in bed. I can be on the internet, I can chat with friends, I can read countless books, play countless games, watch youtube videos (and I watch a LOT of youtube videos). I don't have to be uncomfortable on the couch, I don't have to try to schlep my laptop up and down the stairs. I love my iPad and I'm not ashamed to admit it!

5. Fresca, the nectar of the Gods (or simply carbonated nectar of pamplemousse (which is one of the best french words!)).

6. Pain Medication.  What a love hate relationship I have with pain medication, but without it I cannot imagine what life would be like, so I am happy I have my pain meds. 

Today I really really want to get around to dyeing my hair. I'm not sure I have the stamina to stand up long enough to shower and rinse the dye out, but I'd really like to get it done.  I need to get some laundry done (poor Adam is the laundry mistress in our house, as the washer is in the basement.  I often joke, who's bright idea was it to buy a house with two flights of stairs a year before I got sick? How Rude!). We need groceries (again, will fall on Adam, the poor hero of our tale) and so on.  Typical weekend stuff happening around here!  

I hope you are all starting your Saturday with some happy thoughts and that your weekends are restful, fulfilling and packed with awesomeness! 

On Misery and Joy

My hair isn't purple yet, but the next attempt will most likely be tomorrow.  I've just been way too exhausted and pained to deal with the standing up required to dye and shower and shower and dye, so I've been wandering the house with half dark brown, half dark blonde straw like hair waiting until I have the energy. I hope that is tomorrow, I really do. On the plus side, tomorrow I pick up my new crutches!! As this last flare of the RSD/CRPS has reared it's ugly little head, I found myself back on crutches for a solid five days.  I hate crutches- they hurt the hell out of my armpits and are generally annoying to deal with. My mom suggested I look into a pair of forearm crutches and my pain doc agreed, so I ordered a pair from the speciality store at the end of last week.  I have never used forearm crutches before, so I honestly have no idea what I'm in for, but anything has to be better than real crutches.  I don't intend to use them often- I really prefer my cane (to my own detriment sometimes, because I will pretend I don't need to be non-weight bearing when I really do and generally cause myself a lot more distress than I need), but I like the idea of having a back up plan that doesn't make me miserable. So we'll see.  At the very least, they are teal- and teal is my favourite colour.  I should name them. I never named my cane, which is odd, as I am a person who names EVERYTHING (seriously, computer, phone, ipad, grocery cart thingie I used when I lived alone to help me carry stuff up from the car).  Melanie of course suggested I name it Mel, after her.  She is my left-handed gal (Melanie is. And my cane, which they force me to use in my left hand, even though I'm way more comfortable using it in my right on my bad side which is apparently very very wrong).  So yes. Looking forward to new crutches and hoping they help.

This flare has really taken the wind out of my sails.  It isn't as bad as it was last week, I'm back on the cane at the very least.  It has been, however, the very worst flare I can recall since I got sick.  The pain has been steady and unrelenting.  It starts at the very tip of my toes and goes to about six inches above my knee, with most of the horror concentrated in the centre of my lower leg and bonus! For the first time ever, my achilles tendon has decide it wants to play.  When I was 14, there was an incident that led to the complete severing of my right achilles tendon and there is speculation that the RSD set in around age 15, though was misdiagnosed as Fibromyalgia from age 19 on (someday I'll write up a full medical history and you will all go um WHAT?).  Anyway, my tendon really has never caused me much upset and then in the last month it suddenly hurts so much I literally cannot walk, bear weight or do much but lay around and cry pathetically while adam flutters around unsure what to do.  

In short? I've been miserable.  And yet I'm trying SO HARD to be happy and joyful and appreciative for what IS going right.  Last week, out of the blue, I received two packages in the mail from two of my oldest and dearest friends. For no reason, they each sent me a stunning nail polish- just because! I cannot begin to tell you how uplifting that was, to know that my friends are thinking about me enough to take the time to do something so kind and thoughtful.  That carried me through the weekend, let me tell you.  I'm enjoying every minute I'm spending knitting my insanity scarf, though I swear the thing hasn't grown in five days.  Adam and I are blasting through the current season of Masterchef Australia, which is a stunning show. There are about eighty bajillion episodes per week, including one that is literally the judges and renowned chefs teaching masterclasses on cooking. And the contestants are NICE and supportive and not actively trying to kill each other like on American reality tv.  My cats are the sweetest and snuggliest creatures ever and keep a watchful eye over me when I'm doing poorly.  Honestly, what more can a girl want out of life? Ok, well, I want the pain to stop, but since it won't, I'm trying to make the best of it.  

Happy Wednesday night!

 

Best Laid Plans

This choosing joy thing would be a lot easier if everything wasn't always going wrong!!  Yesterday ended up culminating in a series of small disasters that had me crying pathetically at 11pm.  First? My hair did NOT turn out.  There are colours in there, but they are not the purple I dreamed of.  They aren't.... anything you'd want on your head!  There are a couple of blueish patches and the rest stayed sort of a greyed out orange-y blonde.  Actually, some of the greyed out orange-y blonde parts look great but it is all so weird and patchy and I hate it. I really do.  There are no redeeming qualities to my hair colour at this point and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.  I've been washing with dish soap, clarifying shampoo and head and shoulders and it has definitely helped fade it, but it is still far from returned to the bleached state and again, far from what I was going for.  Oh and I basically spent all the money I had to spare on supplies- this was supposed to be a $30.00 adventure.  It has cost about $80.00 at this point (though I have a jar of manic panic to return to Shoppers, so subtract about $17.00 from that, I suppose).  Not good!!  I've made adam promise to take me to Sally Beauty tonight when he is done work so I can get some advice and buy something to hopefully make my hair happy coloured instead of sad coloured!  

The other little things that went wrong were small but hurtful- a continuing family issue, my leg, my lungs and all that.  But I keep literally reminding myself to choose joy by shouting out the words "CHOOSING JOY" when I start to feel frustrated. Fake it 'til you make it, that's my theory right now. I'm finding that slowly my interest in things is starting to come back. I have an urge to bake, and I haven't felt like baking in nearly a year.  I saw a recipe on Serious Eats the other day for a gluten free Garlic Onion Muffin. Doesn't that sounds delish? I would love to make those.  I really want a pumpkin pie as well- wrong season of course, but the stomach wants what it wants. The only time I've attempted gluten free pie crust was for a pumpkin pie a couple of years ago and I did a terrible job. I want to try again!! What tends to stop me is that it is really hard to just stand for long periods of time, let alone bustle around the kitchen getting ingredients and cleaning things (because my mum taught me to clean as I go). So Adam would have to be on hand, and he gets pretty antsy and doesn't want to stick around and frankly, it is easier to just not and once in a while beg him to make cookies or something.  But I want to bake, and that feels good.  Even just the desire to do it, makes me feel happier inside.  

 

But, since my leg is still relaxing itself after a very long and painful flare, I'm going to avoid the baking and do some joyful knitting on what I like to call the 'insanity scarf'. The yarn is a gorgeous cobweb (that means super duper fine and thin) weight yarn in a varigated purple. I've cast on to a size US 5 needle. I honestly have no idea how many stitches there are- I just cast on until I had enough to comfortably fit around the 16" circular needle.  And then I just started to knit. And I will keep knitting this tube until it is long enough to be a scarf.  I estimate that I will finish in approximately 2017, so I'll be really warm that winter.  This winter, not so much.

And with that, back to knitting and Masterchef Australia, which is a way better show than Masterchef US- just so you know.

 

choosing joy

I grew up suffering from a pretty severe depression. I was diagnosed in grade 5 and began a series of visits to various therapists until somewhere towards the end of high school when I decided that I didn't want to spill my guts to a virtual stranger any longer.  At the age of 22, after putting my childhood cat to sleep after his long life and illness, I finally accepted the help of anti-depressants (which I have remained a user of for these past 10 years, no shame in admitting that).  To say that I give in to my dark side is an understatement.  I have, at times, taken to my bed for weeks, to the detriment of pretty much all aspects of my life. So, to say that 'chooosing joy' is something I don't know how to do is basically the understatement of the century (and this century is pretty young, so that is REALLY saying something).  

When I got "sick" a couple of years ago, when my leg went, choosing joy- finding joy- became almost a joke to me.  I wallowed. I wallowed like a big wallowing wallower of wallowhood. Like it was my job (that I wasn't getting paid for in anything but pain, frustration and wallowing).  The first year of the leg was spent fighting. I had to fight for attention from my shitty doctor, then fight to get a diagnosis from the saviour doctor and mostly fighting with my insurance company for long term disability coverage.  The second year, I had my diagnosis, so the fight became the meds and the insurance company.  The insurance company fight really took the wind out of my sails.  It got to the point where I couldn't speak to my representative because I would take it so personally and scream and cry and it was ugly.  There was one day where I got off the phone with her, hobbled outside and punched the garage door over and over until my hand was brusied and sprained and I was all cried out.  At the start of this summer, I found out that I won the battle and I am now recieving the benefits I'm owed (thank GOODNESS), and we recieved back pay for the year that they refused to pay out- which allowed us to pay of such a massive chunk of debt and it was so awesome I can't even explain). So. After two years of being "sick", my only remaining battles are just that. Being sick and learning to live life again, hopefully with joy.

Trouble is, joy doesn't come easy to a girl like me.  I put a lot of self worth into what I can bring to the world, and right now I do not bring very much.  I try to be a good friend, and a good wife and a good daughter. I try to bring happiness to those I love.  I give my cats all the snuggles and love they can handle and then a few more kisses on top of that.  But I'm not very good to myself.  I beat myself up over everything. We're short on cash this week? It is totally my fault.  A dish broke? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to even though I was in another room at the time! Growing up, I was always told that I had a guilty conscience. I do. I used to confess to the naughty stuff my older brother did so he wouldn't get in trouble (mom always knew, punished me to an extreme and then he'd confess out of guilt).  If something happens, I always apologize. I just do. It annoys people, but I honestly can't help it. I genuinely feel guilty or remorse when bad things happen.  My guilty conscience eats at me.  And since I am not working, or because I can't keep house like a normal person, or even some days I can't walk to the washroom and I cry about it, I just feel guilty and like every bad thing in the world is my fault.  How can one find and choose joy when this is how they operate? 

So. Next month is my birthday. I'm turning 33. And it is going to be like a New Year's Eve, with the resolutions and such. Over the next year I am actively going to seek out and choose joy.  I will fail. I will have days of tears and anxiety and sadness because that is who I am. But I am going to force myself to look for the positives in life, the little things and I am going to try to chronicle them here, so I have a record of my progress (and missteps).  I want to become a happier person, I want to find my place in the world.  My lot in life might be one that contains the pain and medications and doctors and canes and bad days and good days, but I can find some worth again.  I can like myself, I can choose joy.  

So. If this means I need to wax rhapsodical about a new nail polish or eye shadow, if this means that I need to ramble on about knitting or drawing or some new craft that captures my eye and makes me happy? Then that is what I am going to do! No more second guessing and a lot more just doing and being.  And today I'm starting with dyeing my hair- seriously.  Yesterday I bleached the underside of my very dark hair, and today I am going to dye that bleached part purple. Because why not? If I don't have to answer to a boss in a professional setting and my only supervisors are fluffy cats? Why not have purple hair.  This is me, choosing joy.

 

(the idea of choosing joy and focusing on the good was inspired by a blog I came across via pinterest a few days ago, Lil Blue Boo.  The author has remained uncannily optimistic during a battle with a pretty nasty cancer and reading her journey had a pretty profound effect on my self pity.)

Not Great Nail Art

The other night I spent about three hours doing my nails. I could not decide what kind of design I wanted, and I tried a bunch of stuff including stamping and a water marble (which was a pretty ok water marble, but the colours just went too Easter/Pastel and it was NOT ME). The next morning, after sleeping with naked nails, I painted down a white base and doodled on my nails with a striping brush and dotting tools, using OPI Fly and Essence Choose Me (the dupe for OPI Catch Me In Your Net and Orly Haley's Comet, etc). It looked ok. Just ok, I didn't love it much. I took these photos, left it on last night and took it off first thing this morning in favor of the plainest manicure EVER (Essie Fifth Avenue with Venique Clear is the New Sexy, no photos though, sorry. Imagine barely sparkly coral. There you go), which is perfectly summery but also lame. I hope I'm struck with some inspiration soon because boring nails will not stand, they just will not stand.

Today, we were meant to be heading to the USA for a week with my family- there are two parties planned. Today is the housewarming party for my brother and his lovely fiancee, and tomorrow my mom had planned a really special party for my grandfather for Father's Day. And I? Completely spaced renewing my passport which expired on June 4th. As I was putting it in my purse this morning- I mean, we were walking out the door at this point- I looked at my passport and saw the date and I totally lost it. Snot flying, tears soaking my shirt and staining my glasses with salt, incoherent sobbing lost it. I've let everyone down, my mom is so upset with me, my husband had to change his work travel plans so he could fly out locally instead of out of Ohio as planned. I just feel like a total heel who has ruined everything. I tried to make it up to the universe by doing important errands today (new trash can, light bulbs, nail polish), but I still feel just completely awful about the whole thing.

I did get new passport photos taken and the application printed out for renewal so in a few weeks this will just be an embarrassment and a disappointment my family will hold on to for a while. I miss being on the ball, and though it is fun to blame my meds and condition for screwing everything up, it has to stop so I'm going to let Adam teach me his new organization methods. They're keeping him on track and he's the most absentminded loveable fool ever- he'd lose his head if it weren't attached and I'm not being cliche when I say that. It takes a lot for me to let Adam teach me/lecture me about anything, but I need to get back on track. I was the girl who was 45 minutes early for everything and prepared for anything. Now I'm lucky I'm dressed and wearing shoes at the same time!

I'm treating Adam to Chinese takeaway tonight as an apology for being such an idiot, he's gone out to pick it up now and I'm looking forward to some delicious soup. I hope your weekend is going a bit smoother than mine, and friends? Check your passport expiry dates and renew early. Don't be like me. Have an awesome weekend!

When Animal Testing Happens to Urban Decay, a thought process

The big news in the beauty world over the last few days has been Urban Decay's decision to sell product in China.  This means the famously cruelty free/anti animal testing company is majorly compromising it's position for profit.  And people are PISSED.  

I spent five years of my adult life as a vegetarian (and most of high school not eating red meat because it was the best I could get my mom to agree to), and though I don't actively seek out cruelty free brands (the time I tried 7th Generation laundry soap to replace Tide and broke out in hives everywhere was a fun experience), I try to avoid the companies I know that make the worst decisions - L'oreal etc.  I am a massive lover of animals and really really really not a fan of animal testing.  I'm also not naive. I recognize that many of the components in our cosmetics, foods, household products and so on have previously been tested on animals- whether it was in development 40 years ago, or just one ingredient last week.  Trying to not be a hypocrite, I try to live my life as best I can, making good choices when I can, and not preaching. I don't like preaching, mostly because no one really listens to me anyway.

I recently purchased my first MAC makeup, about two months ago.  I've long admired MAC, long been intimidated by MAC - both the prices and the people.  Then I realized it all costs the same. If I'm willing ot lay out 20$ for a mascara at Ulta or Sephora, why not try the products from MAC that I want to try? My first experience was good.  The Super Husband took me to Square One Mall in Missisauga on a Friday night and I marched myself into the store- nervous. I'm a dork and I get really shy and I also didn't know what I wanted, just that I wanted to look and feel different.  The MUA who worked on me was lovely, set me at ease and took a large chunk of my cash.  I was thrilled. I've been thrilled with the product and I look forward to being able to purchase more. And then I found out that Estee Lauder, MAC's parent company, had decided to sell product in China, subjecting the cosmetics to mandatory animal testing.  And the beauty world freaked out. So many people swore they'd throw all their MAC products, or finish what they have and never go back.  I thought, well. First and foremost, Lauder is a business.  They operate to make money first, make us feel beautiful a distant second. As a business, they have a right to market and sell their product in any country they chose. 

Now I'm going to go on a side tangent about my feelings on China, in general.  I've been to China twice, and I feel incredibly lucky to have had those experiences.  I've spent time in the incredibly cosmopolitan cities of Hong Kong and Shanghai and I've spent time in tiny towns, eight hours from the nearest anything.  I can't say I've seen the entire country, or that I understand China. I just have my own understanding of the place.  Yes, the human rights crimes are beyond disgusting, yes the quality of life can be so appalling compared to what we have in the western world. But the people I met, for the overwhelming most part, were very happy people.  Happy with the factory jobs, happy with the small towns or big cities.  There are so many reasons to to judge and shit on China, but at the end of the day, we cannot police them. That is, in my opinion, a whole OTHER issue, politically, but we as the western world can hope they change, but we cannot change them and there are things we have to accept.  For some reason that we cannot fathom, China wants to test cosmetics on animals to make sure they are safe for humans. Barbaric, backwards and unnecessary but right now, that is what they feel is the right course of action for their people.  

Ok back to the MAC/Urban Decay debacle. Look, we forget that these companies that we become attached to are just that. Companies. Urban Decay may not be Enron, but at the end of the day, they are in it to sell product and make profit. To think anything otherwise is just foolish. We chose which companies we want to spend our money with and I fully understand the China issue being a breaking point for many many many makeup fans.  But for me, it isn't a dealbreaker at this point.  I am not buying cosmetics in China anytime soon (though I have in the past on my two trips there, plus really inexpensive eyeglasses), The cosmetics manufactured for the Western market will, from what I understand and I could be wrong but I hope I'm not, remain untested on animals going foward. Yes UD is losing the leaping bunny status and I suppose they deserve it, but I buy that they want to try to change the Chinese market from the inside out.  It strikes me as something they would do.  Maybe it is just smart PR and I'm buying it hook, line and sinker, but to me it is believable, plausable. Lauder's reasoning isn't as clear, or else their PR didn't work hard enough to come up with a good enough sounding bite for me. But I do believe that change can come from within and maybe it will be another fifty years before China realizes that they don't have to test mascara on a bunny rabbit, but if Urban Decay can take any of the credit for it then? I'm sure our kids will be pretty proud.

Live your life as best you can, respect the choices of others as best you can. It leads to harmony.  Use MAC, use Urban Decay, use only indie mineral makeup made by the hippie aunt of your cousin's roommate's sister.  You, the consumer, will ultimately put your money where your mouth is.  Mine will be putting MAC Viva Glam 1 on my lips and hoping for the best.